If you’re anything like me, you tend to overthink and obsess over things you have absolutely no control over. I could try to play it cool and pretend I am not this totally neurotic mess, but why lie??? Especially because I have a feeling I am not alone in this.  

More times than not, I tend to question everything about me. Do I smile enough? Do I do enough? Do people like me enough? Am I enough???

Let me be clear. It’s not like I live my life in total anguish about every single persons impression of me. For the most part, what you see is what you get. 

But if I am completely honest, I often catch myself waiting. Waiting to write. Waiting to dance. Waiting to participate. Until my own desperation asks me what the hell am I waiting for?? Suddenly I stumble and realize… I am waiting for someone’s permission. Permission to pursue my passions. For someone to tell me my ideas are cool and not a waste of time. To tell me I am not a waste of time. 

Who would have thought I was so insecure? Believe me, I genuinely thought I had put my old teenage insecurities to rest…resolved the part of me that needs validation from everyone. But my current state of restlessness seems to show the opposite. Maybe I still care about what people think. And if I constantly stop myself from doing the things I want to do, then I must care a lot. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

This sounds sad lol. But the way I see it, we all have some kind of chip on our shoulder. Whether its about the way we look, the music we listen to, the things we do (or don’t do), we all feel like we have something to prove.

Here is a prime example. You know that rush of embarrassment you feel when someone points out the food stuck in your teeth? We have all experienced the sudden panic as you try to get rid of whatever spinach or kernel put you on blast haha, silently damning the stupid kale salad from earlier (which is why I only eat burgers lol). All you want is for the attention to not be on you.

See? Living proof that it is in our very nature to care. 

And of course we care! It is impossible not to! Our search for approval is a reflection of our inner yearning for love and acceptance. And in a world where acceptance manifests itself in the form of likes and views, it is hard to not equate your own worthiness to your instagram followers. And when the line between success and failure is so thin (not to mention very public) it is so intimidating to pursue the things you want without some level of concern about other people. 

My question is…if we care so much…why are we hiding it? Suddenly everyone is too cool for anybody. Nonchalant is the new swag. “Pretend like you don’t need anybody…” is practically what we are all portraying in our feeds, but our hearts tell a different story. And its driving us crazy! Trust me, I am proof enough!

We have to stop fooling ourselves because who are we really kidding??

Maybe we will always care. Personally I am tired of beating myself up because I happen to care a lot. Pretending like I don’t is only adding pressure to my life as I am sure it does to you as well. So I’m over it. Let us stop fronting as if we don’t care about what people think because frankly, it is becoming counterproductive.

At one point we must all decide to trail blaze our own path, despite the danger of potentially getting burned. I’d like to think that the passion within all of us—the part that wants to love others just as deeply as we want to be loved (the part that fuels us at the end of the day to create art, to write stories, etc)—becomes too hot to ignore. Hopefully even the possibility of getting burned is better than the possibility of the fire dying out. And so we tread on, despite every anxious nerve in our bodies telling us to wait a little longer.

In an effort to avoid contradiction, I still believe it is important to have a little perspective (see my last blog post). Just like Chicken Little, the sky isn’t falling every time a nut falls from a tree.  This is just a strategy to my fellow over thinkers like me, who could use some help in how to prevent these concepts from holding too much power over them.

With love,

Vene