I just hate confrontation. Raise your hand (or click your mouse lol) if you do too. 

You know those individuals who stand up for themselves without a second thought?? Those individuals who don’t even question the appropriateness of calling someone out who is wrong?? As if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

You know the kind. The ones who show no hesitation when it comes to telling the waiter they ordered no almonds, the ones who honk their horns at dumb drivers, the ones who say “what are you looking at?” to the unwanted stares of a man at the grocery store. 

I have such a strong admiration for people who are like that…mainly because it is just not that easy for me. I would have first picked the almonds out of my food before sending a plate back, or sooner got into a car crash than ever touch the horn, and certainly endure the uncomfortable gaze of a stranger in painful silence than speak up.

Where it is obvious for one person to confront a situation, I would do practically anything to avoid making a scene of any kind. Why??

The difference between me and them is…they don’t care about being liked. 

And that, my friends, is the key.  

The extent of my abhorration became apparent one day when my girlfriends and I went out to eat. We call ourselves “Las Chiki Babies” and we think its cool lol. We were somewhat of a larger group, 7 cute girls reuniting after a long hiatus, excited to gossip and catch up on the everyday musings of life in our 20’s. 

Naturally with a group this size, orders can get complicated. I made it a point to order with caution, using the sweetest voice I could muster (ensuring the waitress that I was a considerate and conscientious consumer!). We repeated the order several times to the point that the waitress herself waved us off nonchalantly saying, “I got it.”

Turned out, she did not in fact have “it.”

Our waitress eventually comes along with loads of food, but the order is all wrong. Immediately, something that can only be described as dread moans within me. My mouth goes dry, my heart drops low, and I start to feel anxious. Such a reaction can only occur at the knowledge that confrontation is coming.

It sounds silly but the girls felt it too. All of a sudden, the atmosphere around the table tensed. What was once a light-hearted scene became very uncomfortable. Even though we knew we had done our part by ordering as thoroughly as possible, we were the ones feeling anxious (dare I say guilty!) as if we had done something wrong. I felt so sick that if it wasn’t for the money, I quite honestly would have accepted whatever they gave us.

But why should I have to do that?

The point of this story is not to shame the waitress for getting the order wrong. Mistakes happen and its no big deal! But why were we stressing when it wasn’t our fault?

This is just one situation of many. As a woman, I marvel at how often I encounter this type of turmoil. While I am aware this happens to everyone, this experience made me think of all the ways we keep quiet in order to make the lives of those around us easier. Swallowing our own needs for the sake of not seeming “difficult.” 

How many times do we stop ourselves from speaking when we should? How many times do we let things go for the sake of “keeping the peace?” How many times do we take the short end of the stick because we don’t want people to go to the trouble?

There is this idea perpetuated in society where we must remain “chill.”

“Chill” so that we may be likable.

“Chill” so that we may be included.

“Chill” so that we may be taken into account. 

“Chill” so that we may be deemed non-problematic.

“Chill” so that we may be practical. 

It’s actually kind of gross if you think about it. My silence is practical to everyone but me. Because let me tell you–at the end of the day– I am the one left to deal with the consequences of my “chillness.”

Confrontation shouldn’t have to be so uncomfortable! If you think about it, confronting a problem head on should be a good thing. It eradicates confusion, it is efficient, it validates a persons experience…the list goes on. 

So why do we have such a hard time with it? Why is our generation so bold when it comes to standing up for the rights of others—even at gunpoint—but so shy at ordering extra ketchup packets?? I’ll tell you why.

It is because nobody wants to be a Karen lol.

A “Karen” is pop cultures way of defining individuals who are typically obnoxious, intolerant, and often angry. People who feel entitled to certain things and as a result, use their privilege as a justification to be rude. I am sure, you also know the kind.

We see middle aged white women going viral on Twitter for making a scene at Hobby Lobby and a universal shudder runs down our spines. We see something so vile, so unlikable that we would rather die than ever be a labeled a Karen.

But why are these our only options?? Is it really be a Karen or be shunned into silence??

It’s time to change the consensus on confrontation. It is not, and never will be, an excuse to be rude, hateful, or vindictive. However, we should not be so afraid of doing so either. It is possible to be confrontative while still being nice! 

It’s about how you treat people, not what they think of you. 

In these times where now more than ever it is important to stand up….why not  start with yourself? Because I assure you, one can not truly stand up to adversity—things that are hard—for others if one is not willing to do the same for oneself. 

Because it starts with you. 

And to those who maybe find it easier to stand up for the validity of others…ask yourself why you are not deserving of that same compassion??

Because if we are so scared to call out a waitress, how will we ever call out a loved one?? Or a manager? Or people where it actually matters to speak up?

It is about standing up for what is right. It is about being fair. Even in a situation as simple as a messed up order. The more we confront problems when they are small, the less we will have to confront problems when they are big.