It is so incredibly hard to miss someone all the time. To constantly feel like part of you is missing. Imagine a human size hole in your heart… a cavity so large and so deep, practically impossible to ignore. 

That, my friends, is what long distance is haha. 

Long distance is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Late at night—when it’s just me and my thoughts—I wonder how on earth I ever got myself into this situation. And if I’ll even make it out alive. Because it hurts. The pain of being away from your person is unbearable. I have finally found—after years of doubting its existence—a love that I have always wanted. A love too good to be true. And I must now be apart from it. Like what?!?! It’s the greatest punishment. The greatest irony. The greatest injustice.

Let’s not forget, long distance is WORK. There is a reason why people don’t do it lol. The amount of commitment it takes can be as overwhelming as a second job. And as amazing as it is to love and be loved, you are only human and so is your partner. No matter how great you are at communicating, there are times when it feels like you are hanging on by a thread; a thread stretched thousands and thousands of miles, strained by life’s obstacles and lack of affection (because sometimes you just need a hug okay). 

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or does it just make it forget? I have been in a long distance relationship for a year now. In my experience I have found that after a couple months of not seeing my person, it is like my body reaches a threshold  for missing him. It just maxes out at some point. I become numb. I think its for my own survival more than anything else. Because if I focus on how much I miss him…how much I long to hold his hand…how sweet the sound of his laugh is…it would be too much. My heart would crumple. I don’t think I would be able to cope with the desperation… the impotence. 

But it’s not like I could go back. Despite all the pain that long distance can bring, I could never go back to how it was before. And given the option I wouldn’t even want to. I have been forever changed by this person. I have tasted passion and experienced the extraordinary. I could never pretend like something so magical did not exist. You don’t go to Neverland and wish it were a dream. On the contrary, you look to the heavens and shout grace because you were lucky enough to experience it. And I am without a doubt, one of the lucky ones. So… yeah. Long distance is hard. But I would choose this again and again. Because nothing can compare to the first time I get to hug him after a long time of not seeing each other. The relief I feel when I am in his arms… the feeling of being home. 

To Rene. You are the ‘him’ in my writing, in my thoughts, and in my dreams. You are the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me. I can’t believe God has brought you to my life. I will spend the rest of my life shouting grace because I get to love you. Believe me when I say, that I would rather do difficult and passionate with you than easy and mediocre with someone else. You, my love, make everything worth it.