I am the kind of girl who always loves her birthday every year. To me, it is the best holiday. I mean, who wouldn’t love a day where it is all about you; a day where the sole purpose is to hype up your existence in this world?? My strategy is usually to go into my birthday with little expectation. As a result, I am always very content with any little or big thing people do for me and am never disappointed. 

This year was my 21st birthday which—at least if you are American lol—comes with a lot of expectation like it or not. Getting obliteratingly drunk, maybe even making a spectacle (or embarrassment, whichever you prefer) of yourself at some bar because damn it! you are an adult and it is within your legal right. Gone are the days where you are caged within the societal confines of the law. You’re 21!

Even though there were no expectations, it is virtually impossible to not put pressure on the whole event.  And in full disclosure… I must say this birthday felt different. Despite being in Italy, despite being surrounded by wonderful people… it just didn’t feel like my birthday. It breaks my heart, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t reach that warm, fuzzy feeling that is typical on every 19th of September. That sounds so sad—and maybe it was for a minute or two—but I realized something very important…… that maybe, this year I’m the one that is different. 

I ate dinner alone that night. My 21st birthday… and it was just me, myself, and I. For many this would have been incredibly depressing, and even the Vene from a year ago would have cringed at the calmness of it all. My old self would have wanted to go out with the biggest bang possible. However, sitting there with my journal, peering out at the Veronese plaza at dusk, pen in hand, I truly felt peace. I ate a warm meal, followed by desert (a rarity in my everyday life) and had an honest heart to heart with myself. No filters, no distractions, no white noise. It was definitely not the wild 21st birthday one expects. There were no Ice’s on one knee, no champagne popping at midnight, no crowds of people guzzling beer down my throat. And you know what? It is really okay. And you want to know why??

It’s okay because at 21, I am in Europe chasing a goal I have had since high school. At 21, I have learned to take time doing the things I love (such as writing). At 21,  I am blessed with some of the most supportive family members—people I actually like—who cheer me on when I try to do difficult things, but are always there if I need to fall back on them. At 21, I am surrounded by positive friendships that I have fostered throughout my life; people who take me as I am. At 21, I am absolutely in love with the man of my dreams. A man who loves me with the same passion, intensity, and commitment I have prayed about since I was a little girl. 

And the most surprising thing… at 21 I am aware of how much I love the person I have become. How content I am to be in my own skin…. you have no idea how good it feels to know that if ever given the opportunity, I would be this person again (and to genuinely mean it). This is the most astonishing thing of all. After so much time wishing I was something else, of begging lovers to take me seriously, of making less of everything I have to offer, I never ever thought I could get here.

I am different. Right now in my life, I am at the point where I value an intimate gathering with a loved one more than a wild night out with strangers. I value my time alone rather than absentminded companionship. Relish in the times I get to read, or write, or work on something bigger than myself. I used to resist this for fear I was becoming too boring, but I think I am simply maturing. Preferring genuine interactions… being more honest about my needs and desires… sticking to more enriching and fulfilling things… and simply not apologizing for it!

We don’t realize how much we change day to day, until eventually you wake up and suddenly you are a completely different person. I wonder what will be the story next year. I can’t even imagine… all I know is I plan on writing it myself.

So here is to figuring this thing we call life one year at a time. May 21 bring more growth, love, and purpose 20 did. I can say confidently that I am exactly where I need to be. Today at 21, life is sweet. Or as Italians say, “La vita e bella” lol.